I've been looking at apartments in Beaverton, but the price range I want may take me down to Tigard again. And maybe that would be good. I should override old traumas and shitty memories with new ones. Bring W there, live the peaceful life I was intending to the first time around. Get the dog I always wanted.
Before I met D, I was trying to jog. There's a beautiful forested trail near the old apartment that I miss. A greenway along a river that begins in a rich neighborhood, but pivots downward behind the houses. I walked there a lot, passed dog walkers who smiled good morning. Read books while I walked. It was peaceful, I was full of hope, freshly graduated. I remember spending a lot of time here complaining about school, but I don't remember what I wrote in the in-between. After graduation but before D. The time was so short.
I hate that I still think about this a lot. My little apartment slowly became a negative pit of despair and a messy hoarders nest, his boxes piled in the corner and nowhere else to put them. He ruined my pots and pans from leaving then unattended several times. We adopted a cat I ended up resenting, which represented our relationship quite well. Our mattress was on the floor like squatters and he incessantly argued that we didn't need a bedframe. We should sleep like the Japanese.
He didn't need AA, the concept of a higher power was just too much for his narcissistic ass.
He once explained to me how he hated his sister so much that her small distinct lip movements disgusted him. I think he has the same movements, especially when drunk, and thinking about it makes me want to vomit.
I've been angry today. Not about D, but about my life, my body, my room, my stuff. I played basketball today and then did a leg session in the gym. Left feeling great about myself. But then went to the mall -- a store of mirrors, a dressing room of mirrors, a massive building full of eyes. And I felt ashamed that I'm in this body.
I want out of it. It's broken, ruined beyond repair. I want to starve it, purge everything, rip my skin off. Start over. I left the mall with new pants that make my ass look terrible but fit properly and a sports bra I desperately need. So I can go to the gym more and mold this body into something a little less of a blob.
I want to go back to that trail, before I met D, before I gained 30 pounds from stress eating about his shit, before my heart stopped, and run until my lungs ache.