I would like to make a list of all the things that make me my own person, things I take pride in. My taste in clothes (when I'm arsed enough to wear something other than jeans), my eating habits, my favorite books, my taste in music, my religion (though at this point, I really can't seem to be bothered enough to figure out what religion I am these days; I bounce back and forth between extremes). The list would comprise of mostly my preferences, but there are some things I haven't acted on in years. Such as my wardrobe.
I wear the same pair of jeans all week. Oregon t-shirts, band t-shirts, I sleep in a Carcass t-shirt. Flip flops or Converse. This is abhorrent to me right now, and I'm getting actively sick of it. My signature used to be gothic-style flowy things; I used to walk into the office as if I were a Puritan in mourning. And I loved the stares, I loved the clothes.
I've been looking at clothes online again, wondering why I've become so lazy. I don't remember what I have in my closet, and I've gained around ten pounds since I dressed the way I wanted (I was underweight in those days), so I think I'd possibly have to go shopping to find something I'd actually want to wear.
I do have clothes that would provide a happy medium in the meantime, at least. Black and white printed skirts and polka-dot summer dresses. Those will serve me just fine for now.
I can't remember what day Easter is. I want to say today, as it falls on a Sunday. I think. I had also forgotten about Ostara back in March, though I can't say I'm disappointed. I never know what to do for such holidays, for the most part because I simply don't care. I'd like to find a happy medium in this aspect of my life as well, but beliefs are difficult to fake. I seem to have lost the ability to brainwash myself.
Last week, I decided to start eating by the food pyramid. I did quite well and felt a lot better for the few days I managed to stick to it. After doing some research, however, I threw myself into another phase: no meat or dairy products. I'm not discarding all animal products entirely, but meat and dairy seem to be the most revolting to me these days, and I see no reason to be eating them. I always told myself I could never be vegan because I could never cut out cheese, but when I learned that dairy is linked to cancer, diabetes, intestinal issues, and when I really began to think about the fact that we're the only mammals who a) drink milk beyond infancy, and b) drink milk from another mammal, I started realizing how unnatural it is to eat cheese. As for meat, ground beef is like eating a carcass that was mutilated in a machine. I'm sorry, but that's not appealing to me right now.
I'll still eat eggs (despite their own health concerns; mostly cholesterol) and, well. What other animal products are there, really? Perhaps I'll eat fish, though a fish carcass doesn't seem any more appealing, especially when you actually see the dead fish as a whole before you buy it, and it stares at you.
Forgive me for my brutal honesty here. It may come across as unnecessary, but these are my reasons for my current eating habits. I was going to wean myself off of meat and cheese, as I have two packages of each in the refrigerator, but I'm very tempted to give it to my family and start over.
Ironic that I refuse to eat animal carcasses, but I sleep in one of my favorite band t-shirts, lyrics courtesy of, well, carcasses.