// //
I keep locking and unlocking my diary. Cycles of shame and the need to reach out. To anyone, really. I don't have anyone I feel like I can safely share my suicidal ideation with.

I don't feel like I will ever be able to go back out into the world.

I don't really like my career path at the moment. I have an exam scheduled and I can't focus to study. If I fail, I'll feel bad that my employer spent the money on it. My entire life is chaos around me and I can't crack the book open.

I want to slice all my skin off.

I want to burn all my belongings.

I want to delete every notion of my existence online.

I want to bury myself 30 feet down in the woods and breathe soil.

I want the void without having to die.

There's probably just one skip and a jump over to genuine suicidal thoughts and I don't know what to do about it.

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2021-01-30 @ 4:39 p.m.