The other day I said something to Stephanie rather candidly. I type to her over Sametime barely considering what she'll feel about it. Because I don't care how she feels about me, or thinks about me. Because I know I'm better than her. And that's egotistical of me and makes me a bitch. I just wish I could be more healthy about it. The reason I can't talk to Daniel about things is because I care too much about what he'll think. Too much is on the line if he decides he doesn't even like me.

But if we're going to break up anyway (which I don't want), why not be honest? Do I really want a relationship built solely on what I want him to believe, and hide the things he'd leave me for if he knew? Do I honestly think that's better than being alone? Because I know being alone is preferable to the shit we end up dealing with BECAUSE I hide and am afraid of so much, so what's the difference if he'll leave me anyway?

I guess the difference is that if we break up over the things I hide... Those things are still safe. They haven't been negated or shit on, and there's still the possibility that I can respect myself for them.

But the truth is that I still don't know myself all that well. And that's one of the things I do appreciate with Daniel, is he at least makes me recognize that I need to learn it. Even if it hurts and I still have no idea, at least now I know. And I kind of did know, to a certain extent. I've been trying to find myself for years. My morals and such are solid and easily explained, but my social self can't be learned until it's challenged.

It should be easy. I should just listen, speak my mind, be honest, appreciate people and control my anger. So why is it so hard?

There's always more to everything than I realize. Like why I wanted to walk out. Sure, I learned from him that it's a legit solution. But I also just wanted to be alone, and didn't want to be with him, and couldn't look at his face. I start thinking I want to break up when things get bad so I assume he does too. But he's proven that it doesn't work that way. I hate it when he assumes, so I should stop doing that.

Then it's embarrassing when he does tell me something I should know either about his feelings or actions and I become frustrated that I don't remember, or I wasn't listening. But both of us need to be okay with that. It's hard to remember everything.

I'm ashamed for how easily I'm willing to start thinking about breaking up. I don't really want to. I want to stop being such a pussy about things. I don't want him to worry about it, waiting for the axe to fall.

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