I have a 12 page paper due at the end of the semester. I was supposed to turn in a rough draft yesterday, but I sent about 3 pages and told him in the email that at least it's proof I've been reading, and that I wanted to make sure I turned something in on time for once. He responded asking me what's going on with me (because I also just completely skipped writing a paper last week), so I told him about my depression and panic attacks, and how I've been wanting to drop out. He gave me an extension to send more in on Thursday, but I don't know if I can do it. I don't want to do it. My schedule is booked through Friday, and as soon as I get home from the university I tend to pass out. I could probably squeeze out another 3 pages by then, but it's a lot of reading and stressing, and I just want to slowly work on the final thing rather than worry about this stupid rough draft.
I couldn't even write a 3 page paper last week on anything I wanted to write about relating to a book we read. I just couldn't do it. I spent two hours at the library trying to muster up the... motivation? courage? both? needed to write three pages.
I guess if I fail this class it would mean pushing graduation to spring of next year. It would also mean I could drop my summer classes and have several months to figure out what to do with myself. Either way it'll work out. None of this really matters.
And that's what scares me, I think. School has been just about the only thing that has ever really mattered to me. And now I don't have that, or anything else going for me. I'm dead inside. I'm terrified of going back into the "real world". I'm terrified of job interviews. I'm terrified of my future classes. I'm terrified of writing and sending in assignments. I'm terrified of my body. Terrified of people, and myself.
I'm so tired of being terrified.