Thanksgiving doesn't exist in my house. Neither does Christmas, or any other holiday for that matter. I typically find a small way to celebrate, secretly, in my room. I used to have a Halloween tradition, and have Easter decorations. But never Thanksgiving or Christmas. I associate the holidays with loneliness.
I thought of contacting the Mormon side of my family to ask if I could come for Thanksgiving. My grandmother is the only one I really feel comfortable speaking to on that side of the family, and that might even be a stretch, but it just. I don't know. I feel weird asking. My family has always been the weirdos who don't celebrate, so I've never gotten an invitation. Perhaps only because they think I don't want to celebrate either, despite being estranged from my mother's religion for over ten years. I don't think they even know that, honestly. Holidays are so taboo here. I would almost feel ashamed if my immediate family knew I was celebrating.
Meanwhile, when I spent the holidays at Josh's or Laura's, I felt like an outsider because I didn't feel like a real part of their family. I was a foreigner.
It's an odd way to live. Josh is the only one who buys me presents (except that time when Laura and her sister bought me some, which surprised the shit out of me, and made me feel bad because I would have gotten them something if I had known). Part of me doesn't want him to send me anything anymore, mostly because I don't really want to send him anything. I'm selfish like that.
But dammit. It's weird. All of it. Holidays are so weird, and because of my upbringing I really just don't see the point in them.
I swear I'm not trying to be emo. I hope everyone else is having a lovely Thanksgiving.