And I'm okay with this. It gives me a certain level of control over how things progress in the future. I've come to understand that I have nothing to lose, as I do not have him in the first place. This is a learning experience at the very least, and maybe I won't make the same mistakes with the next guy.
What's interesting about the whole situation is that I don't want him. I've known this from the beginning. But it isn't so much that I don't want him (because I indefatigably do), but know it is not in my best interest to have him. I came up with the brilliant realization today that in order give someone your all, you must be confident that you have a firm grasp on everything you want to offer. I do not feel, at this point in my life, that I have a grasp on it. And although I know that it would be very easy to be his (and that it would be magnificent), it wouldn't be quite so easy for him to be mine.
That isn't to say I'm not getting there. I at least know what it is I must have in order to offer it, and this is part of the reasoning behind moving back to Las Vegas. Once it happens, I'll know I'm ready.
But enough of this. I'll take things as they come, and right now, we're too far apart for any of this to really matter. It's nice that I'm getting to know my weaknesses, though, and want to turn them into strengths.