The world was evil--we were special, holders of the truth and the right way to do things, avoiding life at all costs in an effort to live forever.
It's all so ridiculous now, and I regret my upbringing nearly every day of my life. But when you're raised by people like that, paranoid souls, it's hard to become human again. Things will never feel normal.
And I've come a long way, after growing up in what many consider a cult. I watched The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt the other day, and I could relate to it quite a bit, though I'm certainly not as optimistic and happy-go-lucky as she is.
The more I see of it from the outside, the more it looks like the same bullshit as the Westboro Baptists or other extremists. Before, when I was in my early 20s, I defended them. "They're good people. They just want to do what's right." Now I have very little respect, and want to take them by the shoulders and shake them out of their stupor. Especially my mother. It breaks my heart.
I've felt weepy lately, too. I had to force back tears that I didn't understand (they just happened) during a conversation with D. I want to see him tonight again, but I'm emotionally exhausted and just. Blah. Embarrassed.
With J, I stopped hating myself when we started dating. Lately I've been saying it to myself again. I'm not used to this. People. Acceptance. I crave acceptance because of my almost complete lack of it growing up, but I'm terrified of it when it happens.
I'm tired. And queasy. I want off these damn pills.