I've stayed up until dawn only once. I don't remember if I napped that day, but it was when my parents were out of town and I had the house to myself. I watched the sun rise through my bathroom window, and at that point it wasn't a magnificent act of Nature, it was a signal telling me I could finally close my damn eyes. I was so tired, I couldn't get to sleep.

I'd like to see the sunrise today. 5:59a. I can't stay up, judging by the state of my vision already, but I'd like to get up early. Before everyone else is awake. The world will be calm, serene. Quiet. I'll find a larger window than the one in my bathroom. I'd like to drive out to the desert somewhere, off a side-road, and watch it rise sitting on the hood of the car. Listen to something majestic. Start the day off on a beautiful note, ignoring the things I think about when I'm half-asleep at 3a.

One benefit I had when I used to write here before was that my sadness was not in any way connected to love. Most of the diaries I read were heartbroken, for one reason or another. It almost seems forbidden to write about, because it's so common, but I haven't figured out yet if the commonality of it should make me want to write, as I'm sure to have readers who understand.

I'm tired, and not making sense. Am making sense, perhaps, but not writing sensibly.

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