HOME OLDER PROFILE NOTES DIARYLAND
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Hey, there's a name for it.
Do you feel overwhelmed in stores, at the office, or at parties? Is it impossible for you to shut out sounds and distractions that don’t bother others?
Yes -- my old job gave me intense, indescribable anxiety and panic attacks because it was a loud call center. The only way I got by was that I could choose to stay in chat, where I could wear headphones.

Is time, money, paper, or “stuff” dominating your life and hampering your ability to achieve your goals?
Yes. I feel like I cannot relax until I try to plan how to wrangle all my stuff, but then don't have the energy to do anything once I get home. I spend the day planning things out, writing lists, and then abandoning them as soon as I get home and crash.

Do you often shut down in the middle of the day, feeling assaulted? Do requests for “one more thing” put you over the top emotionally?
"Feeling assaulted" is the most accurate way I've heard so far to describe how I feel on a daily basis, to the point where I want to cry from happiness that someone else has ever felt this way.

Are you spending most of your time coping, looking for things, catching up, or covering up? Do you avoid people because of this?
Yes. How did life suddenly require so many THINGS?

Have you stopped having people over to your house because you’re ashamed of the mess?
I spent most of my 20s not having people over for this reason, and would frantically clean before anyone saw it. This was few and far between, at least, because my social life didn't really take off until a few years ago.

Do you have trouble balancing your checkbook?
Well, I don't balance it, per se. But I have trouble staying within budget, accurately budgeting, and feel insanely overwhelmed when I look at my statements.

Do you often feel as if life is out of control, and that it’s impossible to meet demands?
Every bloody day of my life.

Do you feel like you’re always at one end of a deregulated activity spectrum — either a couch potato or a tornado?
YES. Dear god, yes. I purposefully force myself into the tornado with caffeine.

Do you feel that you have better ideas than other people but are unable to organize them or act on them?
The first half is not super accurate. I feel I have great potential, that I'm smart and could do great things. Not necessarily better than others (some, at least), but I could do things. But I can't focus on them, or even decide what I want those things to be.

Do you start each day determined to get organized, and end each day feeling defeated?
EVERY. DAY. Literally. I honestly thought this was just me being "a mess" and a failure.

Have you watched others of equal intelligence and education pass you by?
Yes. I feel that if, had someone else with a slightly different personality been given what I have, they would have surpassed me. I watched other students in college accomplish things faster and better than I ever could, leading to extreme self-esteem issues and a generalized hatred for school by the end of it (even though college and a PhD was my dream for most of my young adult life).

Do you despair of ever fulfilling your potential and meeting your goals?
Yes. What if this is as good as it gets, because I'm just not good enough?

Have you ever been thought of as selfish because you don’t write thank-you notes or send birthday cards?
No one has said so to my face. But I'm not really in the card/note generation.

Are you clueless as to how others manage to lead consistent, regular lives?
God, yes. I wonder every day how my roommate keeps her room so clean, how a friend manages to cook so much yet also keep up with Netflix, how my boyfriend accomplishes so much in games, how coworkers can work without texting as much as I do.

Are you called “a slob” or “spacey?” Are you “passing for normal?” Do you feel as if you are an impostor?
Yep. My roommate has been gently reminding me often that she's not happy with how I keep the place. I am hanging by a thread, and don't know how to do more while retaining my sanity.

Is all your time and energy taken up with coping, staying organized, and holding it together, with no time for fun or relaxation?
I have to force myself to relax. I have to force myself to have time to myself that isn't 100% distraction, such as watching YouTube videos or doing something socially. Other people distract me the best.

Guess I'm printing out my responses and taking them to a doctor's appointment/therapy.

I can't afford it. I still owe almost $1000 from the last round of (mostly worthless) therapy. I don't want to pay it and have kept it in collections almost out of spite. I could chip away at it, but it hurts to pay because not much was done and it felt like a waste of money. But my insurance changed, so maybe I won't have to pay as much.

If I can't afford it, I guess I have books and the entire internet to help. I should maybe join a forum, or perhaps a subreddit.

We'll see. Knowing is half the battle.

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2019-01-29 @ 9:42 p.m.