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I'm thinking of going back to school. I haven't even gone back to work yet. My start date back to work is about the same time that the next quarter begins, in early April. I can either take a slightly easier 5 hour class on Fridays, in person on campus, or I can take an online Calc II class after 4+ years without math.

While also working 40 hours a week. With heart failure. And blood clots. I run the risk of exhaustion and further health problems.

I really should be waiting until the fall. But if it's one thing I learned from collapsing, lips blue, waking up two days later in the hospital with pneumonia and a date for surgery, it's that you never know how much time you have left.

I'm tired of wasting time.

It's relative, in any case. To an extent. If I cut down screen time, read books instead of my Facebook feed, eat with purpose, sip tea by the window... the day goes by a lot slower. It gives me more time.

Our hearts beat about 100,000 times a day. Mine somersaults a bit more than normal, but it's kept me going now for about 122 days, not counting the times I had to be shocked out of tachycardia. I haven't had to be defibrillated in 103 days.

And I want to be a scientist. I'm done fucking around.

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2018-02-12 @ 10:13 p.m.