For the first time in my life, I'm afraid others are gossiping about me. I've shared things with friends that I now regret, and I feel ashamed of what I told them partially because I felt a bit whiny at the time. The two I spoke with - separately - are best friends, and I realized it's near impossible that they haven't talked about me unless they're saints. And they are good people; I wouldn't have shared what I did with them if they weren't.

But my lack of trust in humanity in general and what I know about people based on books and movies has made me skeptical.

Plus, I'd probably gossip too, and I hate to admit that.

So I'm extra ashamed. I'm ashamed of where I am right now in my life. If I were watching me from a third-party perspective, I'm not sure if I would think much of me. I would be judgmental and most likely logic the fuck out of myself.

I've spent my last two nights at Barnes & Noble more or less until it closes. I read an entire YA book (The Merciless by Danielle Vega) in more or less one sitting (90 pages last night, then finished off the remaining ~200 today). I'm sleeping on the uncomfortable spare mattress since last night.

These are the types of situations where I can't tell if I should stand my ground or if it makes me selfish: This mattress is Daniel's. It's firm. I cannot sleep well on firm mattresses. My mattress is soft, which he has been sleeping on in the bedroom, with the door closed, shutting me out. He hates soft mattresses, so this one would be vastly better on his back. I am on the lease, he is not. I paid for the mattress he's currently on. Should I be kicking him out of the bedroom so I can sleep on my own damn mattress in my own room that only I am paying for (he has not paid rent in almost a year)? Or is that being petty and selfish? Why should it matter who is on the lease, we share this space and we share the bed.

But now neither of us really want to even face each other after yesterday's text war, which occurred mostly while I was on the phone with a client, and I'm amazed I multi-tasked so well.

I even did not have a pillow for half of last night, only a tiny $2 Ikea pillow that was most certainly not meant to sleep on, because he was hogging all of them when I went in to retrieve my blankets last night. That's the only contact I've had with him since yesterday morning. When I heard him creep to the bathroom at 3am, I went in and got the only pillow I'm able to comfortably sleep on.

So at least I'm set tonight, even if the mattress doesn't have sheets and it's hard as a fucking rock.

Meanwhile, my closest friend at work (separate from the other two previously mentioned) tells me he would have lost some teeth if she were in my situation. We're both on extreme ends of the spectrum, and I guess that's why we like each other.

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