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Fasting
My diet and exercise has been off the charts terrible. I sneak food in my car, thinking, "Oh, my boyfriend will think I'm a pig." Then he buys two medium pizzas and eats both over the course of the day, and I wonder why I'm hiding such things. It's just a generalized shame, I guess. A dirty little secret.

Until I find my balance (and I believe this to be spiritual more than anything), my options seem to be one of the following:

1. Eat freely, and work out like an athlete. Lifting, cardio, constant exposure to "fitspo". Because of a bad knee and a random back spasm, this has been out of the picture for 3 months now.

2. Fasting. When I'm not able to work out, my resting metabolism has to be somewhere around 800 calories a day, I kid you not. My metabolism is FUCKED, for one reason or another. Genetics, my childhood illness, American diet, a combination... who knows. Who cares, since I don't think I can fix it right now.

I've been reading up on #2 a lot lately, because a lot of the time it just feels much easier to not eat at all. Once I put anything in my mouth, it's a fucking nightmare getting me to stop.

Now, I know what I should be eating and why. Fruit, vegetables, nuts/legumes and whole grains. Nothing from a package, and if it is, it should have max 3 ingredients. I did an experiment a few months ago: I ate nothing but vegetables for most of the day. Felt fabulous, I noticed I didn't have to chew on the inside of my cheeks out of anxiety. My nerves throughout my body felt calmer. Then, I had pretzels and hummus and half of a Clif bar as an afternoon snack. Both of which are considerably "healthy" snacks, compared to other options. And they're vegan.

Went back to my desk, immediately started chewing my cheeks. My anxiety was back. The cells in my body felt like they were buzzing. The simple carbs in the pretzels and the refined sugar in the Clif bar set me off, and I felt more like I normally do, with that constant underlying anxiety. If I'm eating consistently, without fasting, I should not be eating simple carbs and any amount of sugar. My body can't take it.

But I'm physically, emotionally and spiritually addicted to that shit. I dream about donuts. I'll smell green peppers and associate it with pizza. Cheese is the food of the gods. By the time evening rolls around, I imagine the next morning's Black Rock Coffee's order, where they have it memorized for me.

This is where the meditation should come in. I need to not only detox my body, but my soul as well. I've been reading a lot about Zen and Buddhism. My boyfriend was raised SRF, so he has a lot to say about such things. If I were to join a religion, it would probably be that one.

I'm thinking of trying the 23:1 fasting method, where you fast for 23 hours, and eat for 1 hour. This means you need to consume about as many calories as you use in a day, in one sitting. Considering my resting metabolism is so low, this would not be difficult. I'm also considering trying out a 2 day water fast just to reset everything, maybe make sure I've hit ketosis and then break the fast. But I really don't know how I would go without coffee. Black coffee is only 5 calories, so it's technically doable without breaking the fast. But I'm not much of a black coffee drinker. If I put some Stevia in it, since I'm not doing it for "real" detox purposes (I don't believe in that shit much) but rather for getting rid of the primal desire to keep spiking my blood sugar, which I think is a sort of detox in itself, I'm not terribly concerned about using a sweetener.

Longest run-on sentence ever. Probably doesn't even make sense, and I'm too lazy to edit it.

Anyway.

I might start tomorrow, but probably Tuesday since Mondays are always hectic and I'll need energy to talk all day. Days later in the week are much better.

I finally got a bit of a workout in today, and I think I'm going to be sore, which is what I need. I might attempt to get up and stretch/do yoga so I'm more relaxed when I get to work. It takes only 5-10 mins, so I have very little excuse, especially if I shower in the evening.

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2016-06-19 @ 5:40 p.m.