You'd think with how much I've written, I'd have gotten somewhere with my feelings of powerlessness, lack of self, and self-hatred. Not just here -- I've had so many journals online and on paper analyzing and venting about my problems, coming to conclusions, learning about why I do and think the things I do. And yet I feel like I do not exist. It's like I'm looking for some kind of almost tangible representation of "Erin" deep inside. Like a black item in a pitch-black room. It's there, and I can find it, I just need to rely on other methods. And my methods have failed so far.
I used to use labels. As a teenager, I was a gothic bisexual metalhead bookworm. In my 20s, I was a loner nerd with fears as big as mountains. Now, almost 30, I'm an IT professional and... not much else. I have no labels. I wear, for the most part, very non-descript clothes (especially now that I'm in a more casual department) and I have no idea how to define myself.
And what boggles my mind -- and perhaps this is the key, actually -- no one wants labels in real life. No one at work cares. They just see "Erin", and they don't need my labels. They have their own, which I hope are mostly positive. And their own labels are what affect them. I'm kind, and giving. I love helping others. I'm reasonable smart and good at a lot of things (hence my job). I've had passions that, to me anyway, are pretty cool (I have a history degree and speak German).
So. Anyway. I don't know where I'm going with this, really. Labels aren't important anymore now that I don't define myself with words so much in online profiles.
Work pissed me off today, big time. One lady whined to another person about me while on the phone with me, directly in my ear, then eventually hung up on me. Other calls were 30+ minutes long dealing with multiple issues I had no idea how to handle and overall just made me feel incompetent.
Each time I open up to D, I get a lecture on how I'm not trying to fix myself right, because only his books are apparently able to help me. I'm not all that interested in his books, and want to find my own. He even addressed that in his lecture, that it has to come from within, that I have to figure it all out myself, because that's where the pride will come from. Finding myself through my own effort, not someone else's. And I think he's absolutely right.
I haven't worked out in any real way for ... months. And I've gained the weight to prove it. I'm the heaviest I've been in about 15 years. Before I was sick and lost a ton of weight. All I want is to be skinny (because there are so many things that I tell myself I can't do or feel until I'm skinny, as that makes complete sense), but being angry about not being skinny (or angry about anything) makes me stress eat and not workout. So I'm at an interesting impasse.
I scarfed a Carl's Jr. bean burrito and cheesecake in the parking lot a bit ago. I vaguely want to throw it up, partially out of fullness and partially from the panic of eating it. I'm tired of thinking food will help, when it does the complete opposite. But it's all I can think about when I'm upset.
So I look at thinspiration after I've just stuffed my face and move as little as possible and I wonder why I can't look like Kate Moss.