I feel cold and hollow. Like I'm not feeling nearly enough as I should be. With everything else, I'm comparing myself to others, because others are always more "right" than me. Their feelings more real. Their bodies are more acceptable, their love deeper, their hatred more justifiable.

I fall back to feeling as though I don't know myself, haven't found myself, therefore I can't love myself. How can you love a person you don't know? That doesn't even seem to exist. I reach out, and I try to define her, wish her into existence, but it's that same hollowness.

I want to starve my body. But I do the opposite. I feed it copious amounts of shit until I've gained so much weight that I want to starve even more. But I continue to do the opposite.

I'm supposed to know myself, and love who she is. But I do the opposite.

It's always the opposite.

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