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Embarrassed
I don't hate myself. I think I've established that because if I did, I would not be trying to better myself.

But I do hate some of the dumb decisions I've made. I hate some of the feelings I've had, and continue to have. I hate that I don't stand up for myself, and then regret it when I force myself to. I hate that I feel bad when I want or don't want something. I hate feeling embarrassed.

And I think that might be what I really mean when my inner monologue starts whispering "I hate myself". I'm embarrassed. It's not hatred. Even shameful is a strong word. I'm just embarrassed, and I'm embarrassed about every little thing.

My body, decisions, needs. I'm embarrassed that I can't properly take care of my body, that I don't think decisions through, and that I need things that seem abnormal.

This is why I love being alone.

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2015-11-24 @ 11:39 a.m.