And I guess that last bit can be positive. But most of the time it's not. Most of the time, I frustrate myself to no end. And my over-compensation, based on what I THINK is the right thing to do, fucks me over.
Basically, I end up feeling like I can't say or do anything right, so I start thinking I shouldn't say or do anything. And that makes me in the wrong as well, somehow. Then when I do share my feelings, there's some kind of argument against what I'm feeling. Don't fucking tell me when my feelings are right or wrong. I tell that to myself enough, have barely given my own needs and feelings merit. And arguing with me about it isn't going to make me continue sharing.
It's not like it's anything new, when I think I can't say anything right. I've wanted to be silent for ages. I go through phases where I wish I could just not speak, at all, ever. No communication with other humans. Just keep my head down, do some kind of menial job with my hands to make ends meet, come home to read and sleep. And of course, what's more, is to actually derive happiness from that. Because I know I wouldn't fully, and that pisses me off even further.
I'm just exhausted. I worked six days in a row this week, but got 5 hours of overtime out of it at least. I'm ready to go to sleep and just be done with this mess.