I'm just fat, inconsiderate, and selfish. A hypocrite. I'm oblivious to feelings. I have no way of gauging where lines would be crossed, so I cross them. Accidentally. But a part of me knows it's there, I'm just not 100% sure.
I don't want him to come home if he's drunk. I'm pretty terrified of the things he'd say.
I think my policy, of course, should be silence. That's what it should always have been, and always should be. I shouldn't expect anyone to understand what I really mean. What my motives are. They're always good, even if they're naive. I'm never out to hurt anyone, even when I'm trying to defend myself.
But I don't think that's really a great way to live, defending myself all the time. Perhaps I shouldn't care what he thinks, because he'll think it anyway. I've tried defending myself with logic and explaining why I did or said certain things. And it hits a brick wall. I feel as if I can never get exactly what I mean into words in a way that will fix things.
This time, I was a goddamn idiot. I crossed a line I should have seen, but I used past conversations to make a decision. And that was wrong. There are unsaid things I should have seen. And I'm a dumbass for not seeing them, really. I'm not used to this, and I don't know if I ever will be.
I guess we'll see.