I went shopping today. Found a lovely mirror at an antique store, with etched flowers in it. I also found another fabulous mirror that was far too expensive -- I'll probably post a picture of it somewhere at some point, and will link it here. I'm so in love with it that I'm seriously considering if $150 for a mirror is extravagant if I'm in love with it enough to post about it all over the internet.
Also bought a dress and some shorts that won't show under all my other dresses, so I don't have to worry so much about windy days. Also some jewelry, and a holder for all my other jewelry. And lots of food. Then I got two movies from Redbox (Under the Skin, hated it; The Lego Movie, got bored -- didn't finish either of them) and Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon. BEST GAME EVER. I was laughing and grinning like an idiot the entire time. That's probably how my morning will be spent, and I may need to purchase it sometime soon, depending on how far I get tomorrow. It's like playing a game version of Predator. So manly and 80s and just. God. So good.
Anyway, moving on.
Every now and then I come across someone who is everything I want to be. Fit, happy, a yogi, vegan, friendly. When I'm depressed, I just decide I hate myself for not being these things, not working hard enough to be what I want. I've never been able to accept myself. But now I feel motivated, since I don't feel like I'm slowly dying anymore. And I really want to do yoga, pilates, and lifting on a daily basis so that I can be happier and healthier and give my old, depressed self the finger.
Speaking of veganism, though. I bought eggs today. I decided that if I want to weight lift, I should probably at least start a good protein base until I get settled into my routine and build some muscle. Then I'll look into more vegan-friendly stuff, like soy and such. But even eating things like nuts and oats, I never reach my daily protein, which is about 140g.
So I did research, and I found the only eggs I'm willing to buy/eat, from Vital Farms. LOOK AT HOW MUCH ROOM THEY HAVE. I never feel as though cage-free is good enough, because even the cage-free setups are cramped and miserable. I think I'm cool with throwing money at Vital Farms and I don't feel as though eating the eggs is contributing to suffering.
When I felt like crap on Friday, I went and bought tons of dairy. Mac & cheese, cheesy rice, lots of milk chocolate. My tummy hates me for it, but it helped my soul, I suppose. I'll get back on track starting tomorrow, though I have one more serving of mac & cheese to finish. I feel a bit guilty about it, and can feel it congealing in my arteries and guts, and there's a heaviness in me that I did not miss when I was eating vegan.
I decided today that I would like to get a goat. I arrived at this decision because I began thinking the only way I would be able to verify 100% that dairy and eggs are free of cruelty is if I get my own chickens and cows, or at least purchase fresh food directly from a farm where I can see what goes into the care for the animals. (Suddenly remembering a Portlandia skit...) I can't see myself having chickens, but I do want a good bit of land when I eventually settle into my home. I don't want the responsibility of a cow, but goats seem completely reasonable. I could make goat cheese and such. And then I decided it would be nice to have a goat just as a pet, if I don't want to worry about milking it.
It's just an idea. I think it would be fun, if I worked from home or otherwise had plenty of time to worry about livestock every morning.
I also decided today, because goddamn my brain is working so much better, that I am not completely averse to the idea of being in a relationship in the future, but that the person must mesh entirely with my lifestyle, and there has to be fairy-tale kind of love going on. They have to be absolutely amazed by my existence, and mine theirs. I have to be settled into my life, and at least on the road to getting what I want, because the things I want take a lifetime of work. I will never get to the point, again, where leaving a relationship is a relief. So far all of them have been more like taking a weight off my shoulders, because I never really felt like myself around the person, and never felt like my life was going in the direction I wanted it to be. I always gave up control of my life because of everyone I've been with. I'm a follower by nature. I've never invited someone into MY life; I've always jumped into theirs. But no more. I'm steering my life in the direction that would best make me happy, and maybe I'll pick someone up along the way.
I spruced up my layout. I still dislike it, but at least it's a brighter color scheme.