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I read books and use the internet out of loneliness. Might need to think about this a bit more before deciding that's absolutely true, but that's how it seems. I read as a teenager because there was literally nothing else to do when I was homeschooled. I keep old journals with different friends lists and check up on them every now and then, even if I don't post anything on them. Once I've read them all, I open a new tab and wonder what other sites I can use to help the loneliness. I usually end up going to Facebook, where no one has posted anything new since I last checked it 10 minutes earlier.

This makes me feel pathetic. I don't particularly enjoy my parents' company most of the time, but when they were gone for a few days I had trouble doing anything other than watch TV. My computer was busted and the TV made it seem less lonely. I couldn't turn it off because then it was too quiet.

I worry that's what the rest of my life will be like. TVs and blogs to cure the loneliness, and antidepressants to take the edge off.

Maybe one day I won't be so ashamed of myself and I'll be able to make friends and socialize without panicking. One day, but not today.

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2014-05-03 @ 10:53 p.m.