I'll probably spend the day in bed, reading. Trying not to eat. Drinking as much tea as I can manage. Avoiding my scrooge parents.
What bothers me is they're not even scrooges. They don't hate Christmas based on any kind of normal principle, like commercialization. It's against their religion. I missed out as a child, and celebrated at school behind their back. And so every Christmas I try to itch a scratch that says I should celebrate, but I don't know how.
I wanted to get a small tree for my room, but I didn't bother trying. I could have snuck it in, but I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of worrying about the moves I make.
Whenever I celebrate with others, I don't feel as though I belong. I think I need to create my own Christmas, with my own traditions, and then invite people into it.
But no one is allowed in my mother's house, as she's a paranoid lunatic, so. I can't do anything for at least one more Christmas. I'm tempted to pray to a god I don't believe in to beg that it's only one more Christmas.
I feel imprisoned. Perpetual anger when I first moved back into this house. Every now and then it comes back, but now it's usually in the form of sadness. I don't have enough room, so I feel cramped, and my mother gets on my case about things throughout the house that are mine, though I don't have anywhere else to put them. I can't figure out how to organize my bedroom so that everything fits.
I miss my apartment. Last Christmas was spent procuring antibiotics and then spending Christmas dinner with J, his ex-wife, her husband, and the kids. I was the odd one out, and didn't feel like I should be there. I was never part of the family and didn't expect to be. The next day everything fell apart and I realized J and I wouldn't be together anymore sometime this year.
I'm not complaining. Really. I'm just... explaining. Writing randomly, whatever comes to mind.
I might watch Nightmare Before Christmas, because it's the only Christmas-y thing I own. But I want to finish Palimpsest and start reading J.J. Abrams' S.
I just realized I've been alive for 27 Christmas's and haven't really ever enjoyed one.