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In which I question the importance of family
I think the reason I have such a problem being around people (and on a deeper level loving anyone) is because I find it so painful to be around my family. Have from the beginning.

When I'm downstairs, and someone else appears, I have to go upstairs. When I'm relaxing on the couch in the living room and I hear the front door being unlocked, I sprint back to my room. When people visit, who for whatever reason are supposed to be important to me because we share a blood line, I sit and twiddle my thumbs, wishing they'd leave.

I'm terrified of having my own family because I fear it'll be the same as this one. My children will hate me. And what's more terrifying is that I'll eventually come to hate my partner. We'll all just hate each other.

And perhaps hate would be typical to deal with. All kids hate their parents for a while. But isn't there usually some form of love underneath? I fear the lack of love, not the hate.

I'd have to be like Dexter, keeping a secret apartment for some alone time. The easiest way out of this is to simply not find a partner. Ever.

But we'll see how that goes.

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2010-04-04 @ 1:34 p.m.