I don't appreciate the way he talks to me, nor the reasons he wants to see me this summer. I've found our conversations to run short, something I secretly appreciate, and expect that he's beginning to feel guilty about flirting with me when both of us are in relationships. I've never spoken up about it (do I ever?), but meet his flirtations with cold responses (or none at all). Perhaps he's getting the message.
I just get to the point, very easily, that I can no longer emotionally handle certain people in my life. I've willingly given him far too many emotions whether he's aware of them or not, gotten almost nothing in return in the 1.5 years I've known him, and I don't know how much longer I can do this.
In sociology, we learned about "sympathy credits". (Interestingly enough, a friend of mine told me this story over a year ago when I was having a rough time, so I wonder if he read the same article.) I've found this applies in terms of any emotion at all. If you give and give any emotion... sympathy, love, anger... and receive nothing in return, you feel duped. You wonder, "Why am I investing this if they're not repaying me with the same?" It's exhausting, because you lose credits like a bank account. No one is replenishing those feelings.
I'm just so tired. I wind up exhausted even when I'm on vacation from work. Shouldn't this be a time to relax? I really don't know how to relax, and expect I may have to take an Ativan tonight just to get some meaningful rest.