Haven't seen D in over a week. He told me that I'm everything he's been looking for, and the coolest woman he's ever met, but I can't stop feeling like I'm waiting for the shoe to fall. I wonder how long it'll take for him to figure out he was wrong, so I don't invest feelings.

The only reason anyone has ever figured out they were wrong is precisely because of that defense mechanism. Ironic.

I fail to appreciate people once they develop feelings. The only way I've been able to fall in love is if I know they don't reciprocate. And honestly, I sometimes prefer it this way. I'm very okay with loving from afar. It's safer, even if I don't get anything out of it other than the love itself. I need and crave the love, but it's a sad fact that most of the time, I don't need the people themselves. They often become a means to an end--the feeling is more important than the person.

And I don't know if this is normal. This seems backwards, actually.

But I suppose all I can do is take things one step at a time.

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