When it comes to losing a friend, and they are more upset about it than I am, I begin to wonder if I'm missing a fundamental part of the brain or heart that would enable me to care about keeping in contact with the person. I can deeply care about them, yet feel little to no need of keeping them in my life.

I'm wondering if this is something akin to the absolute opposite of fear of abandonment. I almost want them to abandon me, or at least see no reason to be upset if they do. (Or, if I abandon them, I'm surprised at how attached they appeared to be to me. Why in the world would anyone trust in me as a friend?)

We had an early meeting today at work. Afterwards, we were given ample time to mingle and chat. Only three of them were genuine co-workers, and I get along with them fine when it's just us. But ask me to mingle, and I wind up sitting in my seat with everyone around me chatting to other people, and I'm staring blankly at my fingernails.

And I begin hearing of weddings and "my husband this" and "my wife that", and I begin to wonder what in god's name is so wrong with me that I reject every human being who comes within ten feet of me, in the end if not from the beginning.

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