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In which I wax pagan.
Today I imagined him kissing me, and cried. I've become increasingly amazed at how my life is almost entirely run by emotion. And I don't mind this. It's interesting because of how unexpected it was when it occurred to me. Logic sways nothing, in my mind. It's there, and I understand it more than most, I think, but I can't seem to translate it all into reality.

I don't put much stock in astrology. I try not to, at least. But it's lovely when it works, even if it's only an illusion.

This is one of those times when it's lovely, and I begin to wonder how an illusion can be so truthful. In my birthchart, Venus is in Scorpio, a water sign. My feelings for others are always at the opposite ends of the spectrum: intense love and appreciation, or nothing at all, oftentimes hatred. This is more true than I ever expected my birthchart to reveal. I often look at water, something I've been drawn to my entire life, but always hated at the same time, with respect. I never learned how to swim, but loved watching oceans and rivers, and always wanted to dive in. Same goes for emotion: I respected it, but avoided it. I always wanted to fall in love, though.

I realize now that I've never been avoiding emotion. Simply masking it. Everything I do is based on what feels right. If something doesn't feel right, I won't do it, despite being told logically (by myself or others) that it should be done. Someone can have the same interests, he can be the perfect man logically, but if I don't... understand (wrong word, I think; grok might work better) him on a more fundamental level, it's over. Nothing there. I'm not sure if this is common.

Anyway. It's 3a now and I really should be in bed.

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2008-09-10 @ 2:33 a.m.