Playing a game? I'm judging my intelligence, and usually am not happy. This is why I hate competition; I freeze up when I'm watched. Games against computers and myself are the only ones that interest me anymore, unless I already have 100% confidence. This rarely exists in my world.
Looking at a picture of a pretty woman? I don't look like that. Therefore I'm worthless.
Phone conversation? I'm screaming at myself by the end of it. What was I thinking when I said that? I must not have been thinking at all.
New book in a topic I'm not very familiar with? Sweet, maybe I'll be able to use this in a future conversation to prove I'm not an idiot.
The worst combination in the world is self-absorption coupled with self-hatred, and unfortunately it's the only thing I'm good at right now.
A good memory does not equal intelligence. I remember facts. That does not mean my mind can handle anything else thrown at it. I can't even comprehend that I exist. (But maybe that proves I'm not an idiot? I don't know.)
The difference between Michael and I is that he chooses all, and I choose nothing. I have yet to get to the point in my life where I acknowledge that I deserve all, and can take it if only I wanted it. And I'm guaranteed to want it when I finally deem myself worth having it.
I have to remind myself that I am a person, and that I am a working member of society. I exist in this world, and everything around me exists as well. How? I don't know. It's vaguely disturbing that it has to be so, but the world around me is real. Everything will continue even when I don't continue, and I must remember this. I'm a tiny speck in the history of the world, but I matter. I've impacted peoples lives, hopefully in a positive way.
I spent entirely too much time in bed in the last 24 hours. The rest of it was mostly spent on the couch, watching House. My head has felt heavy, like I slept too much (which I definitely did) and it took hours to finally begin feeling normal. I had plans today, so hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and can get everything done.