But now I feel like falling in love is foolish. It all feels like I'm on the outside of this whole charade, detaching myself and watching from a distance. Thrown into something I'm not ready for.
This morning I remembered what my friend Michael told me once. Love is shared between two people, developed over time. At least when it comes to relationships. Infatuation is not. That's what I'm assuming I'm dealing with.
People always amaze me. Their movements, habits. I compare them to my own, and am surprised both when they're different and the same, it doesn't matter which. I'm always surprised. I fear that people often catch me watching them, because I mostly notice that others don't often pay as much attention to people as I do. I never catch anyone looking at me, and I haven't decided if it's because I'm not interesting enough to watch or because I'm good-looking and possibly intimidating. I also haven't decided if their disinterest is because they're too caught up in themselves, or if my looking proves that I'm the one focusing too much on myself. Constantly comparing myself to them, hoping to find something where I exceed them. In beauty, habits. Whatever. Anything where I'm better.
Perhaps I shouldn't tell anyone about my self-worth issues. They're crushing, and difficult to ignore, so it often comes up in conversation. Especially when it comes to dating. It gets to a certain point where I can't hide it anymore that I Hate Myself.