Today in the car, after getting groceries (brown rice, vegetables, chicken, Larabars -- all very safe foods), I got a notification about Trump being an idiot about trade with Canada and calling Trudeau weak, and I just felt... Done. I'm sick of Trump, sick of the country sliding backwards, exhausted by work, my body, my health, I'm sick of making almost $20 an hour and still feeling broke as fuck, sick of talking at work, tired of arguing with people on the phone, frustrated that my short term disability still hasn't paid me what they owe me from months ago, and I'm sick to fucking death of remembering that D exists.
Anthony Bourdain's suicide hit me harder than Robin Williams' did. I don't even really know why -- I suppose I watched Tony a lot more than Robin, even though I grew up watching his stuff. I just wish I could wake both of them up and hug them.
The past few nights, I've been plagued with nightmares about being abused by disgusting men (twice). Being attacked by intelligent wolves (Sam O'Neil protected me in this one, at least). Bone-filled holes in the ceiling dropping cockroaches on top of me in bed. So much running and hiding and losing trust. I didn't start feeling normal today until about 4pm.
I'm making a fair amount of OT money, at least, and maybe if I try to aim for one overtime shift a month, it will close the gap and get me feeling better about what I owe.
In the meantime, I can't decide if I want to start applying for new jobs. I'm afraid of leaving my company because of my health insurance -- keeping my doctors this early in my heart failure treatment is important to me. I'm almost done with cardiac rehab, though, which is nice. I'm working out now without a heart monitor.